Opinion time

I've been wracking my brain to write the perfect query and the string of rejections tell me, I still haven't gotten it quite right.

I'll say it. I hate Queries. LoL.

Here are the two most current versions of my query. Which one sounds better to you?

V1

Thrust into a dark world filled with bloodlust, religious fanaticism, and thousand-year old vendettas, Alyssa will have to find the strength to accept her terrifying new reality or submit to final death.

Bleeding to death after brutal mugging on the campus of UNLV, Twenty-five year old Alyssa, is rescued by beguiling and immortal Lysander. He gives her the gift, and curse, of immortality. Awakening as a vampire, Alyssa is soon devastated by harsh realities of her new way of life: the loss of her friends, her independence, and her humanity.

Alyssa’s “turning,” did not go unnoticed by other members of the immortal world. Now, both of them have been targeted for final death. An ancient sect of Catholic vampire hunters, known as the Acta Sanctorum, begins their hunt, vowing to destroy all vampires, in God’s name. Meanwhile, a vengeful lover from Lysander’s past seeks to exact her revenge, citing ancient vampire law, as a reason to kill them both. Only by letting go of her old self and accepting that she is a vampire, can Alyssa hope to survive. She will have to stand alongside of Lysander and fight, against two enemies who will stop at nothing to destroy them both.


V2

Alyssa, a lonely, headstrong young woman, is left bleeding to death after a brutal mugging. Help comes in the most unlikely fashion; Lysander, a vampire, an ancient and cursed creature. After centuries of trying to escape the pain and torment of his past love, he had shunned all emotions, locking all feelings deep inside himself. The sight of Alyssa’s mangled body awakens those feelings and he is compelled to save her life. Doing it the only way he can, Lysander sinks his teeth into Alyssa’s soft neck and gives her his gift, and curse, immortality.

But by saving her, he’s awakened the wrath of his old lover, and she makes it known she is coming for revenge. She wants to see final death come to them both, and she is not above alerting the ruthless hunters of the Acta Sanctorum.

Now that he has brought her into his dark world filled with bloodlust and thousand-year old vendettas, he must find a way to protect her, the woman who’s allowed him to feel again. Alyssa too, must learn to accept the new life she has been given and the potential for love and companionship. Together, Alyssa and Lysander must fight against an enemy who will stop at nothing to see them both destroyed.